Fear Anticipating Fatherhood

The anticipation is killing me.

Hopefully by the time you read this, my wife will have given birth to our first child. Up until this point, we’ve simply been waiting for his arrival. 

In the meantime, I’ve refused concert invites and social opportunities just in case something would happen. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I make my wife dinner and try to take care of her the best I can. I clean the house and go out for short runs. We go to a lot of movies so we can forget about pregnancy for a few hours. 

Our son’s due date has come and gone and anxiety has taken over. 

Before I was married to my current wife, I had an ex-wife. We tried very hard to start a family. Any medical procedure we could afford we tried. Every attempt ended with the same sad result: miscarriage.

Despite clear medical evidence to the contrary, I fear the fates are about to play some sick joke on me. Something will happen and tragedy will strike. Cruel and unusual scenarios play out in my mind. I await a finale full of tears instead of happiness. 

I have to prepare for the worst. Suffering through several miscarriages was very hard on my ex-wife, but it was hard for me too. I was afraid to express how I was feeling because I knew that my partner’s sadness was on an amplified level. I was afraid to tell people how depressed losing a child made me. I didn’t think I could cry and grieve. When I tried to share these thoughts, I was pushed away. 

My wife and I have shared our hopes and fears as we await becoming a family, but until I see his face there will be a nagging feeling something bad is going to happen.